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Majick
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Blog Thread
« Thread Started on Oct 23, 2009, 8:42pm »

Fancy a rant? Or to just express a period of time; perhaps how your day went? Then don't clog up the rest of the forum with your life story, post it here! I'll kick things off.

[image]

I wish people would either shut the fuck up or be happy. Yeah, it's cool having deeper emotions and shit, and expressing them creatively but at the end of the day, darker sides aren't meant to have light shone upon them... I'm feeling my darker side right now, I'm lonely as fuck and I can't see anything positive about my future 'cos my life is officially a mess. But who the fuck cares? Because I don't any more. It doesn't actually matter how you are today, or the next day or whatever. That will fluctuate during time. But it matters who you are.

And I know what I want to be - the guy that smiles through the shit so that when the sweet stuff comes around it's all euphoric - Granted, I've got a lot to work on, and it will never work out because happiness is only real when shared. Yet to dare to do the unthinkable and rely upon myself within this world for my own inner contentment is all I have left. It is the change I want to see in the world. You know, just a little more self-reliance, confidence, ability to not be knocked down so easily. A little bit of solidarity goes a long way.

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CreamyIllegalAPPLE!!
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Re: Blog Thread
« Reply #1 on Nov 6, 2009, 3:43pm »

^I read that before, but I didn't get it then. Now, I read it again, and it all makes sense.

It's quite wicked the way things have worked out between my best friend and me for these past 3 years. She and I have created a childish depression business, and I only let it exponentially freeze up in our hearts. It took me 2 damn years of it for me to start talking to her as a real friend: with joy and jokes. It's not always about the truth, because the majority of the "truth" that I see is just hopelessness. But when reality doesn't quite satisfy me, I can dream. That's what hopes are.

I learned something great from her. No matter how down she was, she'd always make me talk about my stupid issues. And I think it might have brought her down some times, and I'd do anything to take that sh!t back. But she's still there. Always been a good friend to me. Sometimes, it sort of plagues my mind to think I've let her down before. Everyone else I know seems to go away. She's always been there.

So then here's what I'm gonna do about it. I owe her my fucking great sh!tty damned blessed life, because she saved it multiple times, even when I didn't want it to be saved like a dumbass. I'm not gonna let it drop. She and I have a roller coaster of a history, and I won't let it decimate.

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Majick
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Re: Blog Thread
« Reply #2 on Nov 6, 2009, 4:06pm »

^ That's pretty cool, I can relate to it... I don't talk to mine any more though because there is nothing left to say and she lives so far away. The odd text every month or so just to know we're still alive. I was never really one to keep in touch, you know? Trust her more than anyone though including myself. Don't even really know her, I just know she cares and understands, which is more than I know about the rest of the world.

Nada

I ran away today. Hid under the sheets. I just didn’t wanna wake up, you know, couldn’t face it all. Thank fuck my parents are away until Saturday. But I need friends… Maybe I should’ve scrambled in for a few hours, try to make some – You never know unless you try. Except I do know – Best possible situation I’d have one, maybe two people tonight, be really tired and have to clean up a mess tomorrow.

And fuck my outlets, I’ve pushed everything away so only a dark room and Pete Doherty remain. To be understood, that would be good. Rather than told by old scolds reading off sold scrolls. Didn’t even top-up my phone this month, how sad is that? Still not sadder than depending on it to exist I hope; dangle that rope in front of me again and see if I bite!

I don’t know. My name, my nationality, my identity just doesn’t make any sense to me. I guess that’s why we go to Uni and I just have to wait and see. Wait to be. I’m struggling though, if truth be told. I wish I’d held on to the girl I don’t love just so I wouldn’t feel this cold. What was I supposed to do? Because I just wanna do the opposite now.

If my life was a movie, could I stand up on top of the world? Go take me exploring, exploring…

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bellefleur
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Re: Blog Thread
« Reply #3 on Nov 6, 2009, 5:22pm »

^ You have a gift of words my friend. Maybe you're at Uni to learn to better that gift and use it for a career?

Hmm.. I've been thinking of how to start this for awhile. I haven't written my thoughts down in so long, I think I may have forgot how. Crazy when I look back, how closed I was. All I did was keep journals. Those were my friends. I have so many real life journals and blog accounts floating around out there it's insane. Probably unhealthy too but oh well. All those years of writing taught me I could and how to handle me by myself. I could be in the first person- the one with the issues, by writing. Then I could read back over what I wrote and be the one outside the problem. The friend that most people get advice and a new look on things from. I'll always be thankful for that skill.

My neurologist appointment is coming up in a few weeks. I'm scared shitless but not as bad as I was. My mom can't even mention it without crying. I think she's remembering all the tests I went through as a kid. I think I blocked those out. Last month I had an appointment with another doctor entirely but in the the same building as my old neurologist. I wasn't nervous at all. Then I caught the smell in the building and started shaking so bad. Just by the smell.. I wasn't prepared for that. So the appointment in a few weeks will probably be hard. I'm so sick of doctors.

Wow, opening up again is hard, but not as hard as I imagined. I'm more bothered by the fact that this will be so public lol. Maybe I'll come back to this thread and keep working on saying more. Or maybe, my need for writing has come and went. I guess we'll see how it plays out =]

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CreamyIllegalAPPLE!!
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Re: Blog Thread
« Reply #4 on Nov 6, 2009, 5:42pm »

I really like reading people's stuff. All that "opening up" is what I like to see and do.

I remember the summer before high school started, my best friend was trying to get me to "open up". I wouldn't talk. I just said a few things, and I said, "I think I'm just gonna go home now". So it sucked. Nothing good happened. We were pretty close, but not as much as now. Man, she's all I think about.

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Majick
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Re: Blog Thread
« Reply #5 on Nov 7, 2009, 6:09pm »

I am a liar. Because it's true, hand on heart, I have ambitions of becoming a columnist, journo, writer, poet, lyricist, whatever... Based in New York, or London, or Paris - It's not work to sit up late at night finding a short story from the day, that is to say a backward glancing exaggerated look with a hook and a twist and a happy ending... Sending those thoughts across to strangers I can't see comes naturally to me.

Yet I never read, hardly ever heed, and sure if there is a degree in creativity with mediocrity the objective then that would be sublime. Yet to waste time over Shakespeare writing for Kings and forced rhymes and rambling things such as punctuation; knowing boundaries. No. I'm too busy self-absorbed, I'm too lazy procrastinating. Wasting another day.

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Re: Blog Thread
« Reply #6 on Nov 7, 2009, 11:10pm »

I've been in this town for 3 months, and I still have no friends here. My anatomy lab partner and I have become acquaintances. I asked her if she wanted to go to the movies or something since I was bored and don't know anyone. She told me, " I don't know anyone and I like it that way. I don't feel the need to go out into public, I have a boyfriend." My best friend lives an hour and 45 minutes away from me and I haven't seen her since the beginning of September.

Oddly enough, this makes me home sick. Never in my life have I ever been home sick. I miss walking into the grocery store and having people stop me to talk to me. I miss going to my favorite coffee hut and talking the day away with my friend who works there. As much as I hate my hometown, I miss knowing people.

Here, I live a pretty lonely existence. I go to class, and I come home. I live with my brother, which for the most part is pretty cool. However, I spend most of the day by myself. More often than night, if he is home, he is sleeping. It makes me sad, but I understand that being on call all the time ruins a good nights sleep.

I feel the worst when my brother goes out with his friends. Friday and Saturday nights are also quite tough. Those are the "party" nights and I never have anywhere to go. >.<

Blah

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